I am indeed a very bad person.

I know that I have not written anything since.. forever, and for that I deeply apologize. Things have however been less fantastic than I'd want, so I have not had enough energy to come up with anything decent.

I do usually not write stuff in english, part from some of my songs, but as I did change language from swedish to english due to having to use an english keyboard when I was in England, it would seem the easiest to continue so. I should probably try to keep my english alive as well, wouldn't want it rusting away after finally learnign the damn language.

Well so how have things been? Hell, to be honest. These last months have probably been among the worst of my life. Although I'd rather not admit it, it's true. Mom lost her job, my granddad became ill, my dad was slightly depressed because of complications with his collegues, I got a stalker in school, and on top of that I had so much school work I barely knew what to do with myself. So yeah, it hasn't been easy. I don't want your pity, no, that's not why I'm writing this, I just want to enlighten those who wonder why I've been so absent..

So is life easier now? Yep. I've been writing a lot of music lately, which have helped me get through with some of these "darker areas".. that I'd rather leave behind, and it seems that life is easier for the people around me as well. (I don't know about my stalker though, but I should probably just abandon the thought, it's not my fault he's miserable.. ) Mom's got a new job, and she seems very happy about it, dad has cleared most of the "bad things" out with his collegues, I have my summer vacation.. it seems at least some things are back to normal. I wish I were too..

I realize I must seem so very depressing at the moment, but I can assure you, that I am not depressed. I have been a bit freaked out these last months, but I am okay, really. Some things are bad, but most things are going well. Life's like that. It's never perfect is it? I figure it's not supposed to be either. I mean, being a five year old you're happy, and nothing really bothers you as long as your parents look after you, but when you start school you start realizing that there are boys and girls, that there are groups, that some people are better than others.. You learn the hierarchy of life. It just gets more appearent as you become older. By the time you start high school or college, you're supposed to be an individual, you're supposed to take responsability and claim it, you're supposed to understand cause and consequences and if you don't then sorry, but you wont succeed in life. These things sound so easy dont they? Responsability, taking risks, wanting to lead, understand how all your choices defines you and changes your future.. It's more than most people with their brain fully grown can manage. All this responsability over oneself and one's future, and so little reward for it. Just to make this worse all this is thrown upon your shoulders about the same time the demons in your head learn how to affect you and the same time you're going through the "am I normal"- phase. It's all arranged so neatly that no one will be able to escape the clutches of "You will NEVER amount to ANYTHING". Yet they all wonder what's happening to the youth of today.. That makes me wonder if not the intellects of the real world are a little behind when it comes to understanding the human nature. Or maybe I'm just being cynical.

I'm sure that most of those who really know me have figured out that I am one of those unfortunate souls that cannot shield away the suffering of others. I am basically an empathical person, not a sympathetic. I envy those with the ability to only sympathize with another..
[For the unaware; Sympathetic people understand and feel sorry for people in pain, empathetic people feel the pain. ]
Basically, you break your heart, I will cry along with you. That makes me a great listener as I know, most of the time, exactly what the speaker talks about. It also makes me vurnable in situations where someone else is in pain because of me (this is also because of my guilt complex). I'm speaking of the lovely curse called love. Now, being single, lonely, a bit odd, and etc for all eternity, I should probably keep my mouth shut regarding this subject as it's not really my area of expertise, but I am not completely in the dark. On several occations my ability to understand etc has caused me problems when people I've tried to assist in problematic situatuons have experienced more-than-friendly-feelings regarding me. In english: people fall in love with me. Constantly.
I must admit that I, myself, do not really understand it. It happens to people I've never even met as well, so there must be something in my personality that makes this happen, but I dont know what, and if I did I would avoid it. I hate losing contact with really good friends because of something as stupid as love.. It really makes me pity myself. I do not consider myself pretty, or witty or anything in peculiar.. I'm just really a plain, a bit shy, unexperienced girl that sometimes appear much less intelligent than I am. It sucks so bad I wish it were a joke. A bad bad joke.

All this mumbo jumbo is because the next subject I want to talk about. It's almost one in the morning now, but I want this over with. My so called stalker. I want to write about this as I want it out of my system. It might not even be that important, but I dont like keeping things inside for too long, I do that so well anyway.
So my so called stalker. Let's call him "H"- just for the sheer fun of it. Let's also evalutate his behacior, just for the sheer fun of it.
Sooo..: I don't really know much about him. What I do know is that he has some problems, probably at home, not a huge amount of money, he drinks and he's probably using drugs.
What I have figured out regarding him; I am aware that he is much more intelligent than his grades show. He's probably also quite sensitive, but would rather not let that show. He prefers keeping it to himself. Sometimes he has let parts of what bothers him out, briefly mentioning it to others in plain small-talk situations. He might not realize that he's doing it. He often feels like an outsider, that he, even with friends, does not dare to open up feeling that they might not understand. He has some of the issues that often come hand in hand with intelligence (at least if blessed with a phiosophical mind); he is heading towards depression, he feels that people do not understand or respect him, and he does not expect alot from the people around him. I believe that he, until recently, thought very little of pretty much everyone around him. It would seem as if he has become a bit more humble this year, but I do still not respect him, I remember his rather "royal" attidude from last year.. (But then again, that might just be another protective wall. "If I don't see them, they can't hurt me." You're so very afraid really, are you not?)
H has appeared more and more interested in me than what would seem healthy.. He stares, he smiles and he sort of freaks me out. I know I should try to remain calm; "he'll probably give up soon" but he's been doing this for almost a year. It's not right. It's not healthy. He likes to watch me. I can tell. The fact that I've been looking like hell this term because of all the stress that made my skin so bad even corpses would be jealous has appearently not even bothered H. He has also chosen the seat next to me (if available of course) at almost every given opportunity.

Now, to clear things out, I don't dislike him because of his looks, (he's really quite good looking), it's not because I avoid people with issues (basically all my friends, with the exception of two, have had serious issues), it's not because I think he's a horrible person that deserves to be standing alone in the dark in his lonely misery for all eternity, no. I think he deserves a good person, yes, but not me. I don't even care that he, of all people, might actually understand for once. He needs a stable, down to earth kinda girl, not someone who's scared of crowds and confrontations and what's under the bed.. It's just impossible. It's sad that I'm making excuses for myself. I don't have an obligation to take care of every person that want's my attention. I shouldn't have to tell myself that it's alright to say no. Stupid head. Stupid mind. Stupid caring personality. Just make me evil, then I'd be evil and happy, and laugh forever at others' misery.

It's a quarter past one now. I should sleep, should I not? And yes, of someone I actually know reads this and thinks "damn she's got issues" or "why'd she never tell me T-T" or "OMG I gotta tell the others" well I love you too. I'm not a sad figurine, I'm really quite happy. :) I could probably spend just as much time and effort writing about the things that make me happy, but I'd rather write this out of my system and get happier than telling myself what I already know ;P

Well good night and good morning to all of you. I wish you and amazing summer and lots of happy thoughts.

Bliss and farewell <3
~L~