I will be of legal age tomorrow this time. That's neat. On saturday we'll be heading to Gotland.. Can't wait! I've missed it T-T as usual I presume, but it's more special now than it ever was as we'll only stay there fora week instead of the two weeks we're usually there. The circumstances has denied us the longer stay but I should not nag about it. I'm just pleased that I am able to go back at all. It's like a second home you know. We've spent two weeks there every summer in my entire life so it's become really important for me. It's like a second home. Or a third perhabs as my parents are divorced..
Anyway I should get on with cleaning. ttyl all :)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Thunder baby, lets get crazy
Yo all. I've been a lazy ass as usual when it comes to replying stuff being online etc, but we've had massive internet problems here since the summer storms began. It's been so much lightning and thunder these last few days that even I have felt a little sting of nervousness. I don't mind it though, albeit it's really annoying when I'm logon to wow and after like 15 seconds my pet freezes and then I get the "you've been disconnected loser!- sign, I re-logon and it's the same shit again. It's freaking anger management playing pvp when that happens. I guess it's healthy tho, it forces me to get my big butt off the chair to go downstairs to kill the router. Even as I am writing this it's acting out. Stoopid thing. I really wanted to pvp today but nyah nyah, ain't gonna happen baby.
So. I'll be 18 on thursday. I don't really feel that special about it. I could be 16, I could be 17 I could be 19, makes no difference. The only real measurement of my own perception of age is how I feel around people my physical age. Mostly I just feel stupid, haha, so idk maybe it's not a good thing. Not entierly true.. I do have some bright moments.
It feels odd still being as close to normal as I am when I reflect on how much hell I've had in my past. (I'm not trying to be dramatic, I'm just stating a fact) After all, most people would probably be basket cases if they spent their childhood as I did. And no, it wasn't unhappy, my parents never neglected my and my sis was never too mean. I'm referring to all that happened outside of that. I guess that if not for the disease, I could have been so much more. I might even have been famous. I might have learned to play the piano, read music, gotten a song coach and made it into the real world. I might have been a nobody aswell, but that isn't as fun (annoying) to think about.
Without the disease I would have been at least 15 kg lighter. I would have been more pleased with myself. I would have been more social, less shy, less sensitive. I would have been less introvert. I could have had boyfriends. I could have gone through that teen angst and frustration, confusion and rebellion.
I could have been a completely different person
I'd like to be able to say "fuck her, she's a nobody" but I can't seem to get rid of the thought. It's been too long now. I can't blame my differences on the disease anymore because I don't want tell people why, if so, I'm abnormal, and so I'm just odd without a reason and that diminishes my personality and others's perception of me so drastically... sometimes I really wish I were different. I would have different problems, but they would be so much easier, so much less complicated and so banal compared to those that I have now. The world is made for loss and pain, and the joy of mankind is just a stain in the sky that the billions of stars already inhabit. Fuck you reality. You ain't worth the effort.
Yet nevertheless I have to say, for so I've learned through my own experiences, that the only, and I repeat, ONLY reality I EVER wish to live in is the one I already have. No matter how sharp, painful, lonely, sad, annoying, and all other negative words in existance for describing it, reality is, it is the only place I would ever want to be in. I prefer pain to not being there. Avoiding what frightens, what hurts you, is not making it go away. Not really.
So. I'll be 18 on thursday. I don't really feel that special about it. I could be 16, I could be 17 I could be 19, makes no difference. The only real measurement of my own perception of age is how I feel around people my physical age. Mostly I just feel stupid, haha, so idk maybe it's not a good thing. Not entierly true.. I do have some bright moments.
It feels odd still being as close to normal as I am when I reflect on how much hell I've had in my past. (I'm not trying to be dramatic, I'm just stating a fact) After all, most people would probably be basket cases if they spent their childhood as I did. And no, it wasn't unhappy, my parents never neglected my and my sis was never too mean. I'm referring to all that happened outside of that. I guess that if not for the disease, I could have been so much more. I might even have been famous. I might have learned to play the piano, read music, gotten a song coach and made it into the real world. I might have been a nobody aswell, but that isn't as fun (annoying) to think about.
Without the disease I would have been at least 15 kg lighter. I would have been more pleased with myself. I would have been more social, less shy, less sensitive. I would have been less introvert. I could have had boyfriends. I could have gone through that teen angst and frustration, confusion and rebellion.
I could have been a completely different person
I'd like to be able to say "fuck her, she's a nobody" but I can't seem to get rid of the thought. It's been too long now. I can't blame my differences on the disease anymore because I don't want tell people why, if so, I'm abnormal, and so I'm just odd without a reason and that diminishes my personality and others's perception of me so drastically... sometimes I really wish I were different. I would have different problems, but they would be so much easier, so much less complicated and so banal compared to those that I have now. The world is made for loss and pain, and the joy of mankind is just a stain in the sky that the billions of stars already inhabit. Fuck you reality. You ain't worth the effort.
Yet nevertheless I have to say, for so I've learned through my own experiences, that the only, and I repeat, ONLY reality I EVER wish to live in is the one I already have. No matter how sharp, painful, lonely, sad, annoying, and all other negative words in existance for describing it, reality is, it is the only place I would ever want to be in. I prefer pain to not being there. Avoiding what frightens, what hurts you, is not making it go away. Not really.
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